That is what I think every cycle when its at the end and I am spotting and I know that the stupid bitch is on her way. I can't do it anymore. But really, what am I doing? I'm not getting pregnant. I would LOVE to stop not getting pregnant, but I am not really in control of that now am I?
Sometimes I want to get on birth control. Other times I want to scramble my insides or get a hysterectomy. Anything to kill the hope I have every month (or so). Ironically if I did get on birth control, I wouldn't really want to have sex anymore, because I would be afraid that I would conceive and then the chemicals would abort it, thereby making it pointless to be on birth control. I love birth control. I feel SO good on birth control. Unlike other people who have a low libido and depression, I feel awesome. I am much more emotionally stable, I have less acne, and I have a higher libido. Obviously something is VERY wrong with my hormones.
I tried acupuncture this cycle for a couple weeks. It takes longer than that, but we ran out of money when some people decided to take their time paying us, so I quit going. I think it did help a little bit, because as you can see on my chart, from the time I started going, until a few days after my third (and last) appointment (Saturday the 24th- Wednesday the 3rd) my temperatures were fairly regular, while the rest of my cycle is all wonky.
For some reason people being pregnant upsets me more than people having babies. For instance on Facebook, I tend to block people's pictures when they are pregnant, but I kind of love to see the new babies. I think it is because I still "get" babies. I mean they are not mine, but I get to hold them, cuddle them, play with them, etc. I don't get pregnant. I don't get to experience it, with all the ups and downs and in betweens. I don't get to feel the baby kick, I don't get to see my belly grow (well that isn't entirely true, my belly grows, its just disgusting, not beautiful), I don't get to be pregnant at all.
And people around me get pregnant in droves. Last year all three of the women that I spent any amount of time with were pregnant at the same time. As I read on a message board somewhere out there on the internet, I am the "Good Luck Chuck" of fertility. Except without the sex of course.
I want to move onto adoption, but my husband isn't there yet, no matter how much a beg and plead and attempt to bribe him. Seeing as how I don't have an extra $25,000 lying around its kind of a moot point anyway, but I would like to get started.
As I was laying on the floor curled up on a nap mat in my playroom crying last night, I kept thinking how it shouldn't be a playroom, it should be my babies room. Which is kind of funny, because I would probably still keep it as a playroom, and have the baby in my room, because it is much more useful that way. Then I got to stuffed up from crying and decided to play a stupid game on my phone so I could breathe again.
The thing I most want to do every cycle about this time is move far, far away from anyone I know. Because as awful as it is to not be pregnant, I feel that the awfulness is increased 10 fold when you are not able to get pregnant and all your friends are. If I am going to be infertile, I want to be an infertile hermit, who just pretends that not being able to get pregnant is normal. Michael keeps telling me no, but eventually I will wear him down on the hermitdom or the adoption.
Sometimes I want to get on birth control. Other times I want to scramble my insides or get a hysterectomy. Anything to kill the hope I have every month (or so). Ironically if I did get on birth control, I wouldn't really want to have sex anymore, because I would be afraid that I would conceive and then the chemicals would abort it, thereby making it pointless to be on birth control. I love birth control. I feel SO good on birth control. Unlike other people who have a low libido and depression, I feel awesome. I am much more emotionally stable, I have less acne, and I have a higher libido. Obviously something is VERY wrong with my hormones.
I tried acupuncture this cycle for a couple weeks. It takes longer than that, but we ran out of money when some people decided to take their time paying us, so I quit going. I think it did help a little bit, because as you can see on my chart, from the time I started going, until a few days after my third (and last) appointment (Saturday the 24th- Wednesday the 3rd) my temperatures were fairly regular, while the rest of my cycle is all wonky.
For some reason people being pregnant upsets me more than people having babies. For instance on Facebook, I tend to block people's pictures when they are pregnant, but I kind of love to see the new babies. I think it is because I still "get" babies. I mean they are not mine, but I get to hold them, cuddle them, play with them, etc. I don't get pregnant. I don't get to experience it, with all the ups and downs and in betweens. I don't get to feel the baby kick, I don't get to see my belly grow (well that isn't entirely true, my belly grows, its just disgusting, not beautiful), I don't get to be pregnant at all.
And people around me get pregnant in droves. Last year all three of the women that I spent any amount of time with were pregnant at the same time. As I read on a message board somewhere out there on the internet, I am the "Good Luck Chuck" of fertility. Except without the sex of course.
I want to move onto adoption, but my husband isn't there yet, no matter how much a beg and plead and attempt to bribe him. Seeing as how I don't have an extra $25,000 lying around its kind of a moot point anyway, but I would like to get started.
As I was laying on the floor curled up on a nap mat in my playroom crying last night, I kept thinking how it shouldn't be a playroom, it should be my babies room. Which is kind of funny, because I would probably still keep it as a playroom, and have the baby in my room, because it is much more useful that way. Then I got to stuffed up from crying and decided to play a stupid game on my phone so I could breathe again.
The thing I most want to do every cycle about this time is move far, far away from anyone I know. Because as awful as it is to not be pregnant, I feel that the awfulness is increased 10 fold when you are not able to get pregnant and all your friends are. If I am going to be infertile, I want to be an infertile hermit, who just pretends that not being able to get pregnant is normal. Michael keeps telling me no, but eventually I will wear him down on the hermitdom or the adoption.
I cried when I read this... really. My heart totally breaks for you. I want you to know that if it came down to it (I doubt you want this option) but I would be willing to carry your baby for you. It would be really hard for both of us, but I would do it.
ReplyDeleteI'm truly sorry for all of your troubles Rachel. I know my words aren't going to help because they aren't going to fix anything but I just want you to know.
ReplyDeleteI do hope that you are able to come out of this a stronger woman and a stronger couple. And however/whenever it happens, you guys are meant to be parents and you will be great ones.
Melissa - Thank you so much! Even though I HIGHLY doubt it would ever come to that, it makes me really happy just knowing you would be willing to do something like that for me.
ReplyDeleteKate - Thank you too :) I appreciate the support!