My Infertility Story

I always wanted children from a very young age. In kindergarten we were told to draw a picture of what we wanted to be when we grew up, and I drew a picture of me with 10 kids. In high school I thought about maybe being a pre-school teacher or something, but really I just wanted to be a wife and mother.

I never even fathomed that I would be unable to have children. Growing up I didn't know anyone that didn't have kids, and the only person I knew of that had "fertility problems" was my mom, who was told at 15 that she wouldn't have children, ever. I am the oldest of four, two of us being "oopsy babies". When I was 20 I met my friend Laura, who had conceived her twin boys via IVF. This concerned me a little, because I had always thought of infertility as something associated with aging, and she is only a year older than me.

I had gotten married at 19, and after we were married for about a year I went off of birth control. Michael didn't really want a baby yet. Honestly we were not in a good situation to have a baby at all, but I didn't want to wait. I wanted four kids before I was 30, so I wanted to get pregnant! We used the (supposedly ineffective) withdrawal method of birth control for a year or two until he decided he was ready to have kids too (TMI much?). I don't honestly remember when he decided he was on board, but I know that total I have been off of birth control since May 2006.

I had gotten the Depo Provera shot a couple of times when I was 17/18 because I had heard it would stop your period. It didn't, it just made it crazy. And it has NEVER been naturally normal since. About a year after my last shot I was tired of spotting all month, but never really having a period. So I went on the birth control pill. I stayed on that (and used the patch and ring sometimes. Variety is the spice of life right?) for just over a year. I did stop taking it once right after I started being sexually active, and again once after I got married, because I was really unconvinced of the morality of it, but both times Michael was pretty unhappy with that choice, so I went back on the hormones. I actually was pretty upset and in tears about the prospect of being on it after I got married (Michael didn't know that though), and I flushed all my pills down the toilet and I am pretty sure I told God I wouldn't take it anymore. Actually now that I think about it, that could be why I can't get pregnant, I told God I wouldn't do something, and then I did. That months cycle was AWFUL! I was a few days late, and crying from the bad cramps. Years later I think it might have been an early miscarriage, which would be my only pregnancy ever, but we will never know. I had never had a cycle like that. So between the pain and the fact that Michael was NOT happy with the flushing of the birth control I got back on it the next month.

A year later I got off of it for good, and was TERRIFIED that my cycle would be miserable. It wasn't, which is why I think perhaps the other one was a miscarriage. In almost 10 years of trying to conceive I have never had a cycle even close to that one.

I have tried various things to get pregnant: vitex, progesterone cream, ovulation test, preseed, evening primrose oil, maca root, etc. I am really bad at trying things for long periods of time, which probably works against me in the herbal remedies department. If it didn't work in the first month of trying I gave up. I also did 4 cycles of Clomid, and one IUI. None of it worked. I didn't ever get much testing done, because I didn't want to spend money on it when we could be spending money of treatments. I know it sounds stupid, but if we paid for testing, we couldn't pay for treatment, so it was a choice between knowing what was wrong and doing nothing about it, or trying stuff but not knowing what the problem was.

Finally, December 2012, we agreed to stop trying and work on adopting in the near future.  I felt good about giving it up, but if I am totally honest, I still really hoped to get a miracle baby.

In April 2013 we did classes to be foster parents, and we got our first placement on July 18th.  Miss Baby was an 18 month old little girl, and she lived with us for 18 months.  Having her leave was the saddest thing I have ever experienced, but I loved her so much I would go through all the infertility and the sorrow of losing her again if I was given the option.

Our second placement was Little Guy, who was 6 months old on Halloween 2013, which is when we got him.  He is our baby now, things were finalized at the beginning of 2016, but I don't even remember the date because he has been ours since we met him!  As much as the years of infertility were miserable, I am 100% okay with suffering through them, because I can't imagine life without Little Guy.  I love him so much I think it must be the same as ladies that birth their babies feel, because its an insane amount!!!

In summer 2015 I was given a diagnosis for my infertility.  A super crappy one.  Premature Ovarian Failure.  Basically I am in menopause, my ovaries are inactive.  The likelihood of me conceiving is about 5-10%.  Not in a month, but ever.  So probably not going to happen, but better than zero I guess.

I go through very long periods of not thinking about being infertile.  I was hoping to figure out something in summer 2015, which is why I went to the doctor.  I would really like to have more than one child, and though we plan on continuing foster care, its a LOOOOOONG process to adopt, and I would like Little Guy to have a permanent sibling at some point.

Since we started foster care, we have had 25+ placements, ranging in age from 6 months to 11 years.