Wife, Then Mama

My son has never touched a computer, tablet, or smartphone screen.  He doesn't have any toys that have screens or batteries (a toy drill being the only exception).  Other than in the act of bringing it to me or my husband, he has never held a remote, or game controller. There are a few reasons for these complete oddities in today's world, and I plan to expound on these in the next week or two. 1) Noisy, battery operated toys are annoying, and I don't think they are a positive influence on children's development.  But mostly they are annoying. 2) Electronics are expensive, and my son is three.  I don't have any desire to let a child who can't keep the food in the bowl while stirring play with devices worth hundreds of dollars. 3) Interactive electronics have a very negative impact on the behavior and development of people, particularly small children.  4) Porn. 

While I am still holding out a thread of hope for a miracle, the very likely outcome of the hearing on Friday is that Miss Baby will be moving out of state to live with some family. In case you don't know know who Miss Baby is, she is our foster daughter.  We got her on July 18th 2013, and she will be leaving sometime this month.  I very quickly fell in love with her. I still have the first two kids that I got.  This will be the first time that one of them leaving will leave a hole.  With the others, it has felt like a relief to get back to just "our family".  When Miss Baby leaves I don't think it will feel natural.  I think it will feel empty. I am coping with it better than I expected, although I am giving her A LOT of affection, trying to get 15 years of love into a week or two.  I've only cried once, right after getting off the phone and hearing the bad news.  I am trying really hard to be content, and remember that God has a plan and ...

I have a great life.  I really do.  I have a wonderful husband that loves me.  We just bought an awesome house (okay it has its not the most aesthetically pleasing house, but its big and cozy and has all the room we will ever need on a huge lot).  I have what I consider to be literally the best job in the world.  I don't have any chronic health issues or pain.  I have a wonderful family that I talk to on a regular basis and I know really cares about me.  Seriously I should be loving my life! I am only missing one thing.  A baby.  And for some reason missing this one thing overshadows all the good things I have been blessed with.  I hate how ungrateful I am when I have so many things that so many people don't have. 

 I am a dweller.  I remember random things from forever ago and am afraid people are still upset with me or think I am a creeper because of them.  Like if I ever walked behind you and accidentally hit your butt, I still remember, and I am still feeling really uncomfortable that you think I did it on purpose.  I am guessing that you have probably forgotten (this is hypothetical, but you get the picture) but if you didn't I am sure you think I am a pervert. Something really random that I dwell on and feel an abnormal level of regret/guilt over is the show Brothers and Sisters. For quite awhile I would go over to my grandparent's house to watch Desperate Housewives every Sunday night.   Even Michael would go with me (I think he just wanted in my pants because now he refuses to watch Desperate Housewives...) after we started dating.  I lived with them and got them hooked so it only seemed fitting that I come watch it with them after I moved out. Before De...