Friday, October 3, 2014

Sad, Angry Rantings...

Lately I am a wreck.  Not on the outside, just on the inside.  And vocally.  If you talk to me for more than 5 minutes you will realize that I have one thing, and one thing only on my mind.  "My" babies.

Obviously the details of the babies cases are not allowed to be public information.  Heck, I don't even know that much about the cases if I did want to break the rules and blab about them.

But we have had both the kids for around a year now.  A year is the "magic" number for foster care.  At that point the plan is supposed to change from reunification to some other sort of permanency, either adoption or guardianship.  It doesn't always, sometimes they get extensions to get more time, and even when it does change, it can take months to do anything about it.

Right now I feel like everything is so far up in the air I can barely see it.  I love both of "my" babies so much, and although its unlikely to happen, I have a terrible feeling that I am going to lose both of them quite close to the same time.  Other times I have great delusions that by this time next year we will all be a legal family.

I am a weird combination of pessimism and optimism (although apparently more pessimistic than optimistic since I listed it first...).  I tend to think the best of people in most situations.  Someone cuts me off in traffic?  Well they probably don't know where they are going and realized at the last second they needed to be in my lane.  But I tend to dwell on the worst possible outcomes of any situation.  Hence my current anxiety.

I know that they are not my kids, and they have bio moms that love them (just not as much as they love other things/people/activities) and the goal of foster care is ALWAYS reunification.  In my head I know those things.  But try telling that to my heart or where ever feelings are stored (also in the head I believe, but that is besides the point).

These kids have been with us for so long.  For the last year I have taken care of them when they are sick, I have snuggled them, I have fed, bathed, clothed, and mothered them.  They don't have any memory of living with their bio families.  They think of each other as brother and sister.  They think of our family as their own.  We are what they know, and moving them to another family, whether their biological family or another permanent placement is going to be traumatic for them.

And me.  It is going to tear me up inside.  Well it already is and it hasn't even happened yet.  I mean it might not even happen.  People say they could never do foster care because they would get to attached.  I am totally on the same page as them.  If they take both my babies away, and Michael will let me, I will probably quit.  I can have them take the kids after a few months.  That means they have a mom that loves them like a mama should.  That means she was willing to do whatever it takes to get her baby back as soon as possible.  But if you don't love your kids as much as I do, I have two words for you...

I am going to stop now.  This is quickly devolving into a expletive laced rant, which probably is against the rules, and I know is against my own rules on my blog.  I am one angry, anxious mommy.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Good-bye Blahg!

I am the worst blogger.  The worst.  But I am a really negative person.  So unless I have something I really want to whine about, its hard for me to remember to write.  Or to think of something to write.  Plus I am really to lazy to take care of a 1, 2, and 3 year old (plus a 4 year old sometimes/days), clean my house AND still be bothered to do all that it takes to actually get people to LOOK at my blog posts.  You know, finding a great title (unlike "blahg" = blah + blog), taking a relevant picture so as not to infringe on copyrights, editing said picture to be "pinteresting" and to look good on link-ups.  Then finding the link-ups, reading and commenting on other people's posts because its bad manners to just post and run.  Yeah, seriously, its like an hour or more, and that doesn't even count the writing part.

Sorry but if I get up early, I am not going to spend my time blogging.  I am either going to watch TV, clean house, or exercise (probably watch TV).  During nap time, probably watching more TV or playing the Sims.  The kids watch very little TV (one movie a week) and I almost never have it on when they are awake (only if I am sick or have house guests), but I tend to veg in front of it any time they are sleeping.

So my blog is dead.  I mean I am not deleting it, but I am not going to pretend that someday I will be posting on a regular basis again.  I will post if the mood strikes.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Miss Baby's New Room

So I feel a little guilty.  Miss Baby gets her own blog posts all the time, but Little Guy never does.  But Little Guy just doesn't do as many amusing things.  And when he does, they are more "you had to be there" moments.  Like today, when he was intentionally falling down every step he took.  Funny, yes, but not a very good blog post.

Anyways, back to "business".  My mom and I moved Miss Baby's stuff downstairs, so she and Hadlee can share the biggest bedroom.  She is getting old enough that she should be able to color and play with her "big girl" stuff, but she can't do that when she shares a room with Little Guy because he will either ruin things or eat them.  So now she is in a twin bed, which makes her look SOOOO tiny.

She has been being a horrible brat about going to sleep, and I think her favorite thing to say right now is: "I stay awake.  Tonight I got her to go to sleep without a tantrum, but only after warning her that if she threw a tantrum she would have to stay in bed all day tomorrow.  Hardcore, you bet, but she has been doing this for a few weeks and its getting really, really old.  She knows better, but unless she is going to get in big trouble she won't stop the naughtiness.  

Miss Baby LOVES Bibles.  She has since the day she got here.  She found a tiny little blue Bible and carried it around for months until she was to rough with it and it ripped so I took it away for a little while.  Then she got another Bible and started sleeping with it AND carrying it around.  We moved furniture yesterday and found the little blue Bible under the couch so she started sleeping with that and carrying it around (hey if you are going to have a "security blanket" of sorts, what better choice than a Bible?).  Tonight she asked if she could read her Bible before she went to sleep, and what mom in her right mind could say no to that?  So I went in to check on her, and this is what I saw, so of course I ran over and got the camera, because this picture is just to precious.  

Miss Baby and her "stuff", Snoopy, Bible, and Baa.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Parenting Ponderings

Weird "side-effect" from cleaning my house:  The kids are playing REALLY well together.

I have NO idea why they are playing better.  I don't know if its that a messy house subconsciously makes people stressed or if its because I have been actually busy, instead of "busy" on my phone or computer so they don't feel ignored, they just realize mom is doing her work.

Or if its completely unrelated and just happened to happen at the same time. 

But I am broken in the head, and the fact that they can all play (mostly) nicely together for hours at a time with no intervention makes me a little sad.  Its like I am unnecessary and although its great for them to be independent and bodes very well for their futures, selfishly it makes me a little bit hurt.

That is probably how people become "helicopter parents".  They realize that if they are constantly with their kids, the kids will "need" them to be able to function and so they are needed.  But it is kind of a catch-22 because if they can't function without you, they can't really make it on their own, and to quote (or perhaps paraphrase) my absolute favorite child-rearing expert, John Rosemond (The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children is only $3.82 on the kindle on Amazon!  -  not an affiliate link, I just think EVERYONE should read these books!!) "We are not raising children, we are raising adults". 

It is pretty awesome, and I will probably start blogging more because of the combination of having a clean house (when my house is dirty I waste a lot of time on my phone, but I feel to guilty to sit down and commit to spending time on a planned activity, I am just weird LOL) and independent capable children.  Or I might not, because I am really bad at actually doing things.