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Good-Bye My Beautiful Girl

While I am still holding out a thread of hope for a miracle, the very likely outcome of the hearing on Friday is that Miss Baby will be moving out of state to live with some family.

In case you don't know know who Miss Baby is, she is our foster daughter.  We got her on July 18th 2013, and she will be leaving sometime this month.  I very quickly fell in love with her.

I still have the first two kids that I got.  This will be the first time that one of them leaving will leave a hole.  With the others, it has felt like a relief to get back to just "our family".  When Miss Baby leaves I don't think it will feel natural.  I think it will feel empty.

I am coping with it better than I expected, although I am giving her A LOT of affection, trying to get 15 years of love into a week or two.  I've only cried once, right after getting off the phone and hearing the bad news.  I am trying really hard to be content, and remember that God has a plan and all things work together for good for those who love the Lord.  Michael said he doesn't see how this is best for us or Miss Baby, but I am trying to remember that we are not the whole world.  Maybe Miss Baby has something that God wants her to do, that she won't do if she lives with us.  Maybe there is a child that needs us more than Miss Baby does, and if she is here we won't ever be able to help that child.  Maybe this is the time for us to do fertility treatments which we wouldn't do for a few years if we had Miss Baby.  Only God knows.  It doesn't make it not hurt, but it makes it less scary.

I know you can't tell she is pretty from this picture, but we are not allowed to put identifying pictures up, so you will have to take my word on the matter.

My biggest fears are for her.  I love her so much, and (like any mother) I feel she has so much potential to be a wonderful person.  I've tried hard to "train her up in the way she should go" but I am not sure that 18 months is enough time to ensure she doesn't "depart from it".  My biggest prayer right now is not to get to keep her (although that is a contender), it is that someday I will see her in Heaven.

On a more superficial note, I am a little sad that all her good manners and behavior will likely go out the window when she moves in with her grandma and brother.

I think I knew she was leaving as soon as I remembered that the court date was coming up (that is how scatterbrained I was with having a 1,2,3, and 4 year old, I FORGOT that a hugely important court date was coming up!).  She was a tantrum machine while they were here and I hated it.  I was going to talk to the state about respite care for the older kids if they were still here and I found out that she was leaving, so I could enjoy my last few days with my baby girl.  Not long after that the other kids left, even though I had been told it would be another 1-3 months.  Instantly she was back to a sweetheart, and I am thankful that God has given us this time to be more peaceful.

Miss Baby has always loved Bibles.  Sometime last summer I washed her little Bible, so I bought her a new one.  She got bored in bed one day and proceeded to rip the pages out, and since then I have not bought her a new one.  But I did feel the need to buy her a new Bible this weekend while we were out shopping, even though I don't trust her with it.  I told Michael that I wanted to make sure that if she left I had gotten one for her, and two days later I found out she is leaving
.

I love her so, so, so much.  I don't know how it feels to love your own flesh and blood baby, but I imagine its quite similar.  I have been aware she was probably leaving since she got here, but I will keep holding out hope until the day she leaves that she will be ours forever, even if that makes me an optimist!


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