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Another Sad Good-bye

One year and about 2 months ago, my beautiful little girl, Miss Baby, was moved across the country to live with family members she had not seen in over a year.  (For those that don't know we do foster care.)  That was probably the saddest I have ever been, other than when my grandpa died.  But I was also angry.  The whole situation was messed up, and I didn't think it was right for her to be moved.

Today, Bitty Baby left.  Her situation was pretty good.  Her dad found out he had a baby, had a good record, and wanted to have his little girl.  This is a definite success story!  I actually didn't think I was that sad until we got the message yesterday saying she would go home today.  Then I realized that despite the good things about the situation, this was "my" baby!  I brought her home from the hospital, I fed her every few hours for a couple months.  I took her to the hospital for surgery yesterday (Yeah the judge was awesome and ordered her home the day after her surgery...).  I love her!

I think this is actually a little harder on me than when Miss Baby left.  Miss Baby was here for 18 months, and I still miss her now.  But there are two reasons this is hitting me so hard.  One: I didn't think I was going to be so sad, so it hit me like a brick wall, and Two: I am not angry like I was with Miss Baby.  Anger is a really easy emotion for me.  It is weird, and probably quite unhealthy, but I am pretty comfortable being angry.  Sad, not so much.

Also, for some reason I always have a hard time remembering Bitty Baby isn't here.  When she would go on visits, or with Michael somewhere I would always be like "Oh, I should feed her, check on her, change her diaper, etc."  Then I would remember she wasn't home and move on.  It isn't a crazy thing, I didn't actually go check on her, it just didn't register with me that she was gone.  So despite crying off and on all morning about her being gone, I still managed to forget for a split second that she was gone, and that started the waterworks again (kind of like writing this...).

We don't usually meet bio families, it isn't something we are comfortable with, and sometimes they are pretty hostile.  But, Bitty Baby's dad didn't actually lose custody, he never had it, and from everything I had heard he is a really nice guy, so I made an exception.  I carried her out to his car, reinstalled his car seat for him (because car seats are a pain, and I am pretty close to an expert at installing them by this point) and buckled her in.  I got all her stuff out of the car, and then when it was time to leave I couldn't help but cry, despite people being there.  I asked if I could give her one more kiss, and of course he said yes, so I went over, told her I loved her and then I had to leave.

Little Guy didn't make it easier, he was quite annoyed that I had left his baby sister.

Her dad said that he was totally open to maintaining contact, and even letting us take her for a day or something.  Michael thinks it will be easier to just cut off cold turkey.  I don't know what I think, other than that I am sad.

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