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Sad, Angry Rantings...

Lately I am a wreck.  Not on the outside, just on the inside.  And vocally.  If you talk to me for more than 5 minutes you will realize that I have one thing, and one thing only on my mind.  "My" babies.

Obviously the details of the babies cases are not allowed to be public information.  Heck, I don't even know that much about the cases if I did want to break the rules and blab about them.

But we have had both the kids for around a year now.  A year is the "magic" number for foster care.  At that point the plan is supposed to change from reunification to some other sort of permanency, either adoption or guardianship.  It doesn't always, sometimes they get extensions to get more time, and even when it does change, it can take months to do anything about it.

Right now I feel like everything is so far up in the air I can barely see it.  I love both of "my" babies so much, and although its unlikely to happen, I have a terrible feeling that I am going to lose both of them quite close to the same time.  Other times I have great delusions that by this time next year we will all be a legal family.

I am a weird combination of pessimism and optimism (although apparently more pessimistic than optimistic since I listed it first...).  I tend to think the best of people in most situations.  Someone cuts me off in traffic?  Well they probably don't know where they are going and realized at the last second they needed to be in my lane.  But I tend to dwell on the worst possible outcomes of any situation.  Hence my current anxiety.

I know that they are not my kids, and they have bio moms that love them (just not as much as they love other things/people/activities) and the goal of foster care is ALWAYS reunification.  In my head I know those things.  But try telling that to my heart or where ever feelings are stored (also in the head I believe, but that is besides the point).

These kids have been with us for so long.  For the last year I have taken care of them when they are sick, I have snuggled them, I have fed, bathed, clothed, and mothered them.  They don't have any memory of living with their bio families.  They think of each other as brother and sister.  They think of our family as their own.  We are what they know, and moving them to another family, whether their biological family or another permanent placement is going to be traumatic for them.

And me.  It is going to tear me up inside.  Well it already is and it hasn't even happened yet.  I mean it might not even happen.  People say they could never do foster care because they would get to attached.  I am totally on the same page as them.  If they take both my babies away, and Michael will let me, I will probably quit.  I can have them take the kids after a few months.  That means they have a mom that loves them like a mama should.  That means she was willing to do whatever it takes to get her baby back as soon as possible.  But if you don't love your kids as much as I do, I have two words for you...

I am going to stop now.  This is quickly devolving into a expletive laced rant, which probably is against the rules, and I know is against my own rules on my blog.  I am one angry, anxious mommy.


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