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Conflicting Emotions

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About two weeks ago we got our first foster child placement.  A little girl that I am referring to as Miss Baby on the internet.  As I already said, I am absolutely in love with her.  But I am pretty sure I am going to regret doing this.  And yet at the same time I am equally sure I will do it again in a heartbeat.

Doing foster care is a roller coaster of emotions I decided.  Starting out before you even get a placement.  You pray to get a placement, because you want so badly to have a baby in the house.  Then you realize that to get a placement that means that some poor baby has to be removed from their house.  But you still want a placement, so you say a very specific prayer every night that IF a child has to be removed from their home, that you would be the foster parents they go to.

Hadlee and Miss Baby playing at the park

Then you get the call and a precious little one (or not so little one I guess if you are doing foster care for older kids) is in your house.  On the one hand you are absolutely thrilled they are there.  Just having them around makes you happy, being a mama, even if just temporarily, is amazing.  Until you stop to think that somewhere is the birth mother (or whatever you are supposed to refer to them as) who is probably crying themselves to sleep because their baby (or babies) is not with them.  And you think how horrible it would be to have a baby that you only get to see once or twice a week because the government decided you were not a fit parent.  So you kind of hope that they are really bad people, who shouldn't have a baby, to make yourself feel better.

Even after just a little while, I am sad that I won't get to keep Miss Baby as my own.  I mean nothing is for sure, and I have no idea what the chances are of reunification, or even how long she might be staying with us.  As crazy as it sounds, since she has been here, I decided that being infertile for these last few years was worth it, so that I would get Miss Baby in my life, even just for a little while.  God always has the best plans, even if they make no sense to us (still doesn't make sense to me: why would I be okay with having a temporary baby after wanting a baby of my own for 6 years?).  However I might be changing my tune when she goes home and I am left with "empty nest syndrome".  For the time that I do have her, I am treating her just like she was mine and trying to forget that I have to give her back (except when I write blog posts and such). 

I am pretty sure that even a placement that ends in adoption will bring out mixed emotions in me.  I REALLY want a family.  I am pretty sure I am the happiest I have been in years with Miss Baby.  But it kind of sucks that for me to get my family, another family has to break apart.  Which is why I really want to make sure that I am supportive of the birth family during foster care.  I don't want to have anything to do with the break-up of a family.  I wrote Miss Baby's mom a note telling her how great Miss Baby is doing, and letting her know I will send updates and pictures to future visits, and I sent along some toys, books and snacks.  First of all I know that even a crappy mom (if she is a crappy mom, I don't know the details of the case, she could be a great mom that got in trouble for something else that had nothing to do with parenting) probably wants to know what her baby is doing, and secondly I want to do everything I can to make sure she doesn't think I am trying to "steal" her baby.


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